


Who I Used to Be

by ashethehedgehog



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Julius is a shithead, M/M, Suzaku is tired and angst riddled, character exploration, not a happy fic, not ship heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashethehedgehog/pseuds/ashethehedgehog
Summary: You may tire of meAs our December sun is settingCause I'm not who I used to beWhat was left of them could never be fixed. Glowing eyes and sharp tongues, shattered minds and broken hearts, their destruction was much too deep.
Relationships: Julius Kingsley & Kururugi Suzaku, Julius Kingsley/Kururugi Suzaku, Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	Who I Used to Be

**Author's Note:**

> Mum said it's MY turn to write Julius/Suzaku angst!!!!!  
> So I watched Akito after R2 and you know, fell in love with that asshole like so many others HAHA.  
> Here's my little contribution of some Julius pls enjoy!!! I had soooo much fun writing him.  
> Title + Summary are lyrics from Death Cab for Cutie's Brothers on a Hotel Bed which, despite the title, is a very good ansty Suzaku song and im weak dont at me pls.

Suzaku unceremoniously dumped his former best friend down in front of the emperor. Lelouch hissed as carpet burnt into the bare parts of his skin, wriggling underneath Suzaku’s hold.

The Zero suit was tattered and ripped in places, and Suzaku did nothing to cover it up. He knelt next to him, pressing his other hand against his heart. “Your majesty,” he said.

He couldn’t see the emperor’s reaction, but he could guess based on how Lelouch seethed by his side.

“Just hurry up and get it over with,” Lelouch growled through his teeth. Suzaku tightened his hold over Lelouch’s arms, letting the fabric tying his wrists together dig in a little.

“Hold your tongue, prisoner,” he snapped down at the ex-prince. Lelouch just spat on the floor, ever the prideful bastard. _You deserve this._

“As it would seem, I do have a use for you yet, my disobedient son.”

Suzaku froze, clenching his hands by his side. _He’s staying alive? Where’s the punishment in that?_ “Your majesty-”

“Oh don’t worry, Kururugi,” Charles waved him off, forcing Suzaku to snap his jaw shut. “He’ll still be punished. In fact, I believe it shall be the perfect punishment. And most advantageous to my cause.”

Lelouch froze, and Suzaku could practically see the gears turning in his mind. If even Lelouch was scared, then…

“I have been needing a new pawn in Euro-Britannia, recently,” Charles’ grin turns feral, and he sneered. “You’ll make an excellent piece for me, _son_.”

So that was his game. “He’s… no, you…” Suzaku stuttered, words dying on his tongue.

In one single moment, Charles had stolen from Lelouch the proudness he held most dear. The thing that seemed to define his very being. Something Suzaku would have never even _considered_ breaking…

And yet it was the first thing the king did.

“You monster!” Lelouch screamed, bursting back to life. He renewed his struggle against Suzaku, but it was ultimately useless. Suzaku’s raw strength far outweighed anything Lelouch could muster with his tiny frame.

“Hold his right eye open,” Charles instructed. Suzaku moved to obey, using his knee to pin Lelouch down while his hands forced Lelouch’s eye open.

He tried to buck, to shake off Suzaku’s hands to free his left eye, where his Geass bled through. But it was useless; Suzaku’s grip held true, and with all of his weight on the prince and his eye kept open, there was little he could do.

“Your life as Lelouch vi Britannia is now over,” Charles grumbled. “From now on, you will live as my loyal servant _, Julius Kingsley_.”

“No!” Lelouch roared. “You can’t! I won’t! Stop!”

“Submit and serve.” Charles sneered, and his eyes flashed a deep red.

Lelouch’s eye was held wide open, and he could do little more than struggle as the Geass’ effect took hold of him, warping his mind.

Suzaku just watched.

“I… no… Nunnally…” Lelouch whispered. And then he slumped to the ground in a motionless heap. Suzaku could only stare down at his old friend. His ex-friend. _Pathetic_ , he pursed his lips.

“Get him prepared for your journey, Knight of Seven,” Charles said. His voice was calm and casual, like he hadn’t just clawed into his son’s mind and destroyed it. “You’ll need him settled by the time you arrive in St. Petersburg.”

“Yes, your majesty.” Suzaku just nodded dully. Lelouch deserved it. This was justice.

* * *

The train surged ahead with a kind of precision Suzaku had never seen before. Japanese trains had their own parts to be boastful about, sure, but the restrictions on travel across the country meant there wasn’t much need for incredible speed.

And even if they could, Britannia had no reason to keep its high cost materials in Japan, when its own continent seems more appealing.

 _Augh, that’s something Lelouch would say,_ Suzaku ground his teeth together. He wasn’t that arrogant asshole, and he refused to sink to such a low level. There would be a reason, he was sure, there had to be. There always was, even if he didn’t always understand it.

He just had to focus on doing his job as a Knight of the Round.

Unfortunately for him, right now, that meant guarding…. _him_.

Lelou- no, not anymore, _Kingsley_ \- was still unconscious, yet to awaken from his blackout Charles’ Geass had forced on him.

It didn’t matter; in fact, it was probably better for Suzaku anyway. He had no idea what would happen from the emperor’s Geass.

Suzaku stood by, watching the scenery scroll past. From the side of the train, he had a stretching view of the countryside, hills and fields sprawling as far as the knight could see. It all looked so… peaceful. He could feel the emotion already threatening to worm its way into his mind, but he promptly squashed it down with an iron fist of justice.

There was no time for that.

He had a job to do.

He turned around, entering the cabin directly behind him.

From his position on the couch, his majesty’s battle tactician looked up to grin at him.

“Ah, there’s my knight.” The Lelouch clone says, his one visible eye narrowing happily.

Julius, he’s not Lelouch he’s _Julius_. Julius was awake. _Shit._

“My lord,” Suzaku drawled, touching a hand over his heart for a moment.

Julius observed him, his eye roaming over Suzaku’s body without shame. It was almost like he was mapping out every limb and feature, every crease and dip of Suzaku’s knight uniform, a pensive look falling over his face.

Like he was trying to remember it…

“We’ll be arriving soon, Lord Kingsley,” Suzaku muttered.

Julius just hummed at him, done with his staring and far more interested in the book in his hands. Suzaku kept close to the door, standing as motionless as everything else in the room. If someone was to walk in at that very moment, they would completely overlook Suzaku’s presence.

 _And that is how it must be…_ he thought grimly. _I’m nothing but a shield for a man I despise._

* * *

The first time Lelouch relapsed Suzaku is in shock.

His Majesty hadn’t expressed concern at all, that his Geass might not have been perfect in destroying Lelouch’s free will.

Or perhaps…

Suzaku bit his lip. Part of him wanted to rush forward, still had that childish urge to help his friend. But the other part of him, stronger and more crushing in its resolve, reminded him that _Lelouch had been doing this to people without mercy._ It was only fitting that he deserved to experience the same.

“S-Suzaku… please…” His name sent a shiver down his spine. Why was it so hard to keep himself composed around Lelouch? Despite his best attempts, and his willingness to betray his former friend, there was still something.

 _Something_...

That kept him from spitting in Lelouch’s face.

Suzaku looked away. It was all he had to do.

Lelouch let out a choked sob, burying his head in his hands. “Suzaku…”

“You brought this on yourself,” Suzaku hissed. “Now live with your decision.”

He glanced over just in time to make eye contact with Lelouch. It was his mistake; he shouldn’t have. The look of sorrow he saw in that lone eye crushed into him, and he forced himself to once again look away. He couldn’t deal with Lelouch like he was.

* * *

He’s nothing like Lelouch, and yet, everything he says and does oozes with Lelouch’s confidence and arrogance.

It seemed that at every turn, the Euro-Britannians tried to resist Julius’ decisions, despite the sceptre he carried in his hands as proof.

“It’s a fool who tries to challenge his superiors,” Julius sneered once they were alone. “These Europeans have no class.”

It took all of Suzaku’s energy to not roll his eyes at the irony of Kingsley’s statement. _If only you knew, bastard._

Julius, despite the distain in his voice, seemed to give little care for his own words. He was already moving on to the next stage of whatever plan he was concocting.

He fiddled with a chess piece, lone eye appraising the board. The scene was so eerily familiar to moments from their past it settled something heavy in Suzaku’s chest.

“Good thing you know your place, right, Seven?” Julius chuckled.

“Yes, my lord,” Suzaku gritted out. From the way Julius narrowed his eye and smirked, he knew just how uncomfortable it made Suzaku.

Suzaku kept his rigid stance by the side of the couch, staring a hole into the side of the wall.

Yes, he was similar to Lelouch, but he wasn’t. There was… something there. Something Lelouch could never do.

Could never _be_.

“I’ll need you to take some written orders to some of the snivelling brats lapping at the grand duke’s feet. They’re practically useless, but I can still squeeze something out of them until their destruction.”

Suzaku stiffened. “I’m not a delivery boy, my lord.”

“But you do follow orders, don’t you?” Julius retorted. “Do your job, knight. Remember your place.”

He barely kept back a growl. “Yes, my lord.” He snatched up the orders, stalking away. He heard Kingsley laugh behind him.

He wondered if Julius knew what happened in the moments he lost control, and Lelouch threatened to worm through the Emperor’s control.

Was this revenge, for Suzaku letting him writhe in pain on the ground, spilt water soiling his uniform? Perhaps.

Or perhaps, this was just divine justice, for all the sins Suzaku had committed and wasn’t allowed to die for.

* * *

“Looks like the insects are finally falling in line.” Julius smiled, leering down at his board. Suzaku stared impassively forward, bored out of his mind and sick of chess.

“I’m loathed to have to continue to lessen my presence with theirs, but alas, tis what his majesty would want.”

Of course, this meant that the only person Julius could be talking to was…

“Sir Kururugi,” he said in a sing-song voice. “Why so silent? Talk to me.”

 _I’d rather do anything but that,_ Suzaku sighed. “What do you want me to say, Lord Kingsley?”

“Anything,” Julius replied immediately. “Contribute to the conversation. What do you make of the Grand Duke?”

Suzaku shuffled his feet on the spot. He _really_ didn’t want to comment. Some part of him thought Kingsley was testing his loyalty with the question, and the other knew it was just a stupidly obvious question.

“He’s hiding something,” Suzaku settled on saying.

“He is indeed,” Julius purred. “And what might that be, do you think?”

“A plot, perhaps,” Suzaku shrugged. “It’s not my place to say…”

“I’m asking you, as your superior. It is now your place to say.”

Suzaku grunted. _Stupid Lelouch brain._ “I have little to say on the matter, my lord. I do not know people as well as you would, Lord Kingsley.”

“Ha,” Julius snorted. “That was very hard for you to admit, wasn’t it, Sir Kururugi?”

Voices sounded in the corridor outside, and Suzaku was immediately alert. He could make out the gruff tone of one of the commanders, and the sound of the duke’s reply.

“Lord Kingsley, I-”

“Hush knight, we have lesser company not deserving of your voice,” Julius whispered.

Suzaku let his mouth hang open, barely containing the surprise in his face. “A-As you wish, my lord.”

Julius just gave him a smug smile, turning to observe the nobles walking in.

“I take it you received my orders, gentlemen?” Julius drawled, hiking a leg up over the other.

Several of the commanders hadn’t even the chance to seat themselves yet, and Suzaku could tell it annoyed them to _hell_ that Julius didn’t care.

“Lord Kingsley, this won’t do. Our men are proud Europeans. Perhaps if your knight would be able to take care of it instead?”

“Yes, of course. Nothing like an Eleven to stir up trouble. Even as a knight, they’re attracted to trouble. Let your hound loose, and our problem will be solved.”

All around the other nobles muttered in agreement. The duke nodded grimly. His gaze was less than welcoming to both Julius and Suzaku.

“Um, hello, hi,” Julius coughed loudly, waving. “Guy with the authority of His Majesty here. That’s _my_ knight, not yours. You have to be actually good at your job to have one.”

Suzaku knew it was dumb, stupid of him to think so, but the way Julius called him his knight…

He stood a little straighter, keeping his gaze even. _Ignore them, just ignore them,_ he drilled into his head. _This will be over soon enough. His majesty needs Lelo- Kingsley to quell this war._

“Just do as you’re told, and this war will be over in no time,” Julius said, smoothly redirecting the conversation back to where he wanted it. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Mutters of agreement rose around him, and Suzaku didn’t miss just how smug Julius looked.

They all left with mumbled excuses, starting with the duke as the rest trailed after him like little puppies.

Suzaku noticed the larger man with the loud voice glare at Julius for a moment too long before he slipped away.

 _That will be a trouble one,_ Suzaku thought. He voiced as much to Julius when they were finally alone.

“What do I have to fear?” Julius chuckled in response. He tapped the sceptre against his leg, brushing priceless gold over his pants.

“My lord?”

Julius just shrugged. “If any one of them try anything, I have you to defend me. I’m not worried at all, dear Seven.”

“I’m more than a number,” Suzaku hissed, unable to stop himself. Julius pinned him with a look, one eyebrow curled elegantly upward over his eye. The light above caught on his multitude of gemstones, clinking softly when he moved.

Suzaku bowed his head. “My apologies, Lord Kingsley.”

“You’re right, you are.”

Suzaku stiffened, daring to look up. Julius wasn’t staring at him anymore, toying with a piece on the chess board below.

A white knight.

His gaze was distant, that familiar hazy look returning. Suzaku steeled himself, preparing to deal with another episode.

* * *

Suzaku stood by the couch, watching Julius leisurely reading a book.

His gaze drifted over everything in the expansive room, but there was nothing worth his attention. He was a piece of the furniture, stonily standing by until he was called on.

“Entertain me, Seven,” Julius hummed.

And they were back to before, he supposed.

“What can I do for you, my lord?”

“Tell me a story.”

“A… story?”

“That’s what I said, yes.”

“Hmm,” Suzaku stalled for time. Nothing around them gave him a branching point, so he was forced to recall something from memory.

“Did you know young sunflowers turn to face the sun?” he blurted out.

Julius just stared at him. “Hence their name, yes. That is not a story, though.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not good at stories.” Suzaku let his shoulders sag. Julius observed him for a moment longer before shifting his attention back to his book.

“Why sunflowers?”

“Sorry?”

“What brought up this factoid about sunflowers? You reached for something close to lean on, and you chose knowledge of sunflowers. Why?”

“My home… where I grew up, back in Area Eleven. The land was covered in sunflowers. I used to run through them with…” he bit his lip, the name almost falling from his lips. “With an old friend.”

“Oh? You miss them, I presume? The friend and the fields?”

“Of course, but the war took them both away,” Suzaku said without thinking. Of course he missed his home, being free, being able to actually _live_ without being commanded to.

He didn’t realise just how wrong his answer was until he glanced down.

Julius didn’t respond, but the snap shut of his book was enough of a reply.

“My… apologies, my lord. I meant no disrespect.” Suzaku fiddled with the inside hem of his coat.

“For what? Missing home?” Julius kicked off the couch, one swift movement bringing him to stand in front of Suzaku.

“And what home would that be, Sir Kururugi?”

“Area Eleven, my lord.” Suzaku frowned.

Julius laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant sound. It was dark and ugly, just like the sneer that crossed his face.

“Ah, defensive. The obvious mark that a nerve has been struck. Tell me, _Seven_ , what did I hit?”

“My lord?”

“Perhaps there is something in you that still fights Area Eleven’s pitiful battle, then?”

“No I… I fight for peace, for Britannia,” Suzaku stepped back, but Julius kept their distance even. The dark look had yet to leave his gaze, pinning Suzaku to the spot. For the first time since they had stepped on the train to St Petersburg, he felt a creep of fear deep in his belly. This wasn’t Lelouch.

_I’ll protect Japan!_

“Don’t make a habit of it,” Julius warned. “Britannia will crush you.”

_I’ll crush Britannia, Suzaku, just watch me!_

“His majesty’s word is law.”

_I hate him!_

“Nothing else matters.”

_For you and Nunnally! I’ll make the world better!_

“Not you.”

_You’re important to me, Suzaku!_

“Nor me.”

_Am I important to you, too?_

Suzaku felt his head reeling, no longer sure if Julius or Lelouch was standing in front of him. At one moment he thought he saw the Ashford Academy uniform, then the shine of Julius’ gem adorning his eyepatch, and then they flashed away, dissolved by a glowing red light from Lelouch’s left eye.

Pain. Misery. Destruction.

 _Betrayal_.

_Suzaku… how could you…!_

He shook his head, grounding himself in the deep blue of his coat. His _Knight of Seven_ coat.

Lelouch was _gone_.

“I apologise,” Suzaku muttered. “You’re right, Lord Kingsley. Thank you for reminding me of my place.”

The words tasted like ash on his tongue, made even worse with he satisfied nod Julius gave him in return.

“See that you don’t forget it anytime soon, Sir Kururugi.” Then his gaze changed, and Suzaku froze.

“For… get…” Julius mumbled, a hand reaching up to touch his eyepatch, eye wide. “Forget what? What am I forgetting? Who…?”

And just like that, Suzaku felt the atmosphere shatter with one painful howl.

* * *

Sunflowers. There were sunflowers, he could see them. Fields and fields of them, sprawling out in great patterns through the dirt and grass.

Lelouch’s laugh was bright and cheery, the grin over his small face contagious enough to pass to Suzaku’s own.

“Suzaku…”

What had they even been fighting about? What was the point after all this? So much had been said and done, and yet, Suzaku felt nothing but empty inside.

“Hey, Suzaku…”

There was no meaning, nothing driving him anymore. He just existed; a useless shell unable to even sacrifice himself for a decent enough cause.

“Suzaku…”

Suzaku felt anger boil up inside him, and he almost shouted at the memory. Soft eyes, the life fading from them to leave nothing but sadness behind. _Euphie…_

Lelouch had too much to answer for.

No amount of sunflowers could fix the chasm that had cut the land between them.

“They’re big and beautiful,” Lelouch smiled, his gaze unseeing. “Just like you…”

Suzaku froze. He glanced up at where Lelouch was sitting on the bench, his legs softly swaying, as if in an imaginary wind. Maybe he could feel the breeze from the Kururugi shrine, if only in his head.

“Suzaku…”

Tears broke out on his face. Why couldn’t they have it again? Their friendship? Their connection? Their sunflowers? Their love?

“Suzaku…”

They could do anything together…

“Suzaku…”

Couldn’t they…?

**Author's Note:**

> Did u know apparently only young sunflowers move with the sun and when they're older they just stay facing east incredible,,,,, thanks google!!!! And Suzaku for making me look up facts about sunflowers ~the more you know~


End file.
